don't fear the sun.

( This is primarily gonna be an entry about food. )



I also have some thoughts on the most recent scene of my fic, which I finished today (the scene, not the fic), but I'm not sure I really want to delve into them until I've reread it later. Maybe not until tomorrow. I have a pretty clear idea for this chapter's "plot" (with me, LOL, plot is always in, like, air quotes, because, surprise, there is no real plot) and am looking forward to moving on to the next scene, but I still want this one to feel a bit more right than it does right now. Not sure whether that's a feeling I have because I'm down after therapy, or if it's genuine enough. I guess time will tell. You'll hear more about it, either way.



In a moment, I'll go make tea and coffee for K. and I, for when we're watching Ahsoka!!! We have grapes and popcorn and each other. Life can't be that bad, can it?

Regardless of what my brain's trying to tell me.

Ended the day yesterday with a regular panic attack about health issues that are never as bad as my anxiety makes it out to be, so I fluctuated between crying meltdowns about said health issues and how I was "sure gonna die" and moments of greater lucidity where I could tell myself that even if it was half as bad as I made it out to be, I'd still live and I'd be fine. That internal battle sure sucked out the lack of my energy and I slept almost non-stop between half past nine last night until half past eight this morning.

I guess my system needed the reboot.



My anxiety is still spiking, but nowhere as bad as yesterday and I can actually concentrate on other things. Like, I really want to get this scene either started or finished or both today and that will take some non-anxiety-reserved time and energy. Yet, rather than doing that - I'm writing this journal entry, because I still haven't figured out how to begin said scene and I usually have to have a solid beginning in mind before I can get started properly.



But. I'm listening to a playlist of "The Best Italian Songs of All Time" which is, has been pointed out by a series of commenters to the video, mainly an hour of Neapolitan songs for some reason? Is Naples the main centre of good music in Italy? Best singers? I dunno. But they're very atmospheric and although I'm gonna change it to my instrumental jazz playlist in a moment, so I can actually focus without listening for lyrics, I'm really getting that "eating out at a Roman restaurant at 10 pm" feeling from it. No doubt the intention.



Once again, the weather is clear and sunny and it's no doubt gonna get hot again today. No walks for me this time, though! Not in the midday heat, especially.



Well, I better get to it.






Wait, O Sole Mio is playing and suddenly I realize what all these Italian songs give me vibes of. Call Me By Your Name! I'm totally getting Oliver and Elio in Rome vibes from this. Oh. I haven't even thought of that book in months now... Not even after I began writing this Naples-centred fic. Just two different universes. Maybe, once I've finished this fic, I should do a reread, at least of the first book. I think I've read the second one to death, pretty much. Favourites and all that.

Morning. Early morning. I don't even have tea yet. (Something I will remedy in a moment).



I got up early (4 am-ish) because I couldn't sleep anymore and decided I was going to try and wrangle my scene, maybe even get it finished, because moving on to the next steps in this fic would be sooooo lovely. I had an outline for how I wanted this scene to be structured and I just couldn't seem to get it right. Well, this morning, I wrote what I thought would be a decent ending to it - realized it didn't fit my layout and unapologetically just binned the layout.

I know this sounds like common writer's process, but to me that's huge! I can get so rigid in my idea of something that even when I find another way that works better, I get stuck in that old idea and want it exactly like that. Yes, even when it doesn't work. I think it's an old coping mechanism from school, so they're huge as fuck forces I'm up against - but I did it and I'm insanely proud of myself. This scene still needs some additonal editing, because there is something about the pacing of it I'm not sure I'm crazy about, but it's a bridge leading onwards and I can move on to the next parts without missing that link in between. And editing it might even be easier when I know what it leads onto.



I have plans today! I'll be visiting my friend, S., who lives forty minutes away by bus with her little dog, Luna, and a lovely backyard where she grows vegetables and flowers and it's always a treat, going to see her. She'll be returning to uni in a week's time (she studies English) and after that, she'll be out of commission socially for a month or so while she adjusts to the workload, so it's also last call before those wheels start turning. I look so much forward to hearing about what she's been up to - and to tell her about my fic. She always has such a sharp gaze on characters and plot! One day, she'll be one hell of an editor, I just know it.



And K. has piano lessons later today, so all in all, I'll be on my own most evening. Hopefully, that means I can get started on the next scene of this second chapter. Plot-wise, I think the second chapter might be the weakest of them, as I've plotted them out so far, but we'll see. It's a very quiet-ish fic, one of those "nothing much happens, but everything happens in the little things" kinda deals.



If you know me, that's pretty much how I roll. If you don't know me, you should know that's pretty much how I roll.