sunday.

Sep. 3rd, 2023 06:44 pm
sunfright: Logan Marshall-Green with the text  "fuck". (you shall suffer for it)





I've had a genuinely awful day today.

Forgot to take my evening meds yesterday and have been suffering the moodswing consequences that always hit me head on the day after. Probably also something to do with hormones, since the monthly's approaching as well. So, all in all, I'm feeling completely unbalanced and a bit beside myself.

Have spent this whole day mostly sleeping, sitting at the computer or, once, barely making it to the nearby grocery store to buy dinner for K. and me.



I also finished watching Marcia Haydée's Lady of the Camellias and as predicted, the third act was just as strong as the first, this version just showed the weaknesses in the second act as a general thing. I really love this version on second-ish viewing, it has some incredibly strong dancers in almost all the leads. Special shout-out to Haydée as Marguerite and Gigi Hyatt as Olympia who was marvellous and... Lynne, I think she was called, the ballerina dancing Manon. She was true class as well. Out of the men, for some reason, I especially liked the guy dancing Des Grieux, his technique was amazing, so effortless! I also liked the dancer who portrayed Armand's father. Very charismatic.



Against all odds, I also managed to get started on the next scene for the [community profile] smallfandombang fic! Not sure I particularly like it, but it's a start and I guess I can edit and/or rewrite myself to the rest. It's giving me a feel for the structure I'm going for, if nothing else.

When I'd first started it, I absolutely hated every word, but after I rewatched the ballabile part of the first act, some aspects of it actually remind me of that choreography, haha, so I might go with it, after all. I really love Giovanina, she's such a spunky, unfazeable girl. Very little, besides her own feelings when they get in her way, can shake her. But Napoli as a whole is full of strong female characters, Hübbe's vision to portray the Italian Donna has, all else aside, succeeded, I think.



However, we're reaching that stage of the evening where I'm not gonna get more writing done, maybe some editing if I'm lucky, but I should probably look around for another way to occupy my time. That's a tough one, always.

But especially when I just want to sleep the rest of the day away and wait for tomorrow to be better.


saturday.

Sep. 2nd, 2023 05:46 pm
sunfright: Susanne Grinder (RDB) as Marguerite Gautier in The Lady of the Camellias. (countryside)





Lots of things have been happening today.

Got the first scene of the second chapter of my fic written and am very pleased with it, though it wasn't as long as I'd imagined it would be. Not that length is quality, of course, but there are places where I feel it might be missing something. I might need to edit some stuff in it, too, since I'm not sure I'm clear enough on surrounding descriptions and setting and such... Sometimes, I forget that not everyone has the clear picture of the sets for the ballet in mind and might need some immersive description to "get there", be transported or whatever you wanna call it.

Someday soon, I'll need a fandom-ignorant (which means, everybody, pretty much, LOL) person to read over the beginning here and let me know if it works for them or if I need to be more descriptive... I really want to recreate the atmosphere of the ballet, meaning that "touristy Italy" feel. The original Napoli was choreographed after August Bournonville had been on a grand tour to Italy and thus, he took home all the impressions this outside view of the country gave him. A bit like us sending postcards today, I guess.



K. and I went to a cafe in the morning and stayed there until two. I just sat writing the whole time, which was how I managed to finish the whole scene in one sitting. It was soooo nice, and the coffee and such was brilliant. I kinda want to do that more often, but at the same time, I am so drained now, so I know it costs me in the other end of it. She had to go meet a friend in the middle of it and was gone an hour and a half, where I just sat by myself with my computer.

It's my favourite café, too! It's called "Løves Bogcafé" which in Danish means, "The Lion Book Café" and besides coffee and light arrangements of food, they sell lots and lots and lots of books. The atmosphere there is absolutely wonderful. There are readings by the local poetry club, too, every other Wednesday. I used to go before the pandemic and when I still wrote more in Danish, but these days... Yeah. Not ready for that yet.



After we got home, I couldn't concentrate on writing more, so I sat down and watched some ballet. I revisited the 1986 version of "The Lady of the Camellias" with Marcia Haydée as Marguerite and although it's always been my second least favourite of the filmed versions, I have to admit, she is one killer Marguerite, even dancing at an age of almost 50 as she's doing in this recording. And the whole first act is so beautifully filmed, I really love it. The second act was a bit disappointing in comparison to some versions I've seen, but then again - the second act is my least favourite act of them anyway, so. Maybe not so surprising.

I was spotting Nanina (Marguerite's maid) throughout the entire viewing, because I still want to write a Nanina/Marguerite fic and I can only say, this version makes shipping them so easy. I'll definitely make this particular version my go-to version if I'm doing anything for [community profile] smallfandombang with it...





Speaking of [community profile] smallfandombang, I've had my fandoms approved, I've signed up, got confirmation and been invited into the sister support community, for later in the process. Very excited about all that. It's where I'll be looking for beta and cheerleading people to help me make this beast of a fic happen and get it finished. And try to sell someone my fandom, hahahah. We'll see about that.



We're having chicken skewers tonight and baked potatoes again. It'll be nice, I really look forward to it. Food has begun being my favourite time of day now, LOL.



Food and writing, the sustenance for your body and soul.


friday.

Sep. 1st, 2023 09:03 pm
sunfright: Logan Marshall-Green with the text  "fuck". (suffering)





We deep-cleaned the apartment after K. got home from work. Then, I made ribeye steaks pan-fried in garlic-infused butter and with oven-baked potatoes as a side, plus some fried tomatoes and mushrooms as a topping. It was super delicious and we sat at the table for literal hours, just chatting, about writing, about fandom, about her work... I wish more days could be like this, but that "everyday feel" seeps into it a lot, because work drains her and day to day is hard for me, too. So it's mostly on the weekends we've got time and energy for these types of deep-immersive conversations. I enjoy it so much. I really love her a lot and it's not like it surprises me, but it resurfaces like a pleasant reminder every now and again.



Author sign-ups went up for [community profile] smallfandombang and I've signed up for possibly two fandoms. Napoli, I'm definitely going to write about, but if I have spoons and a little courage, I might sign up for a second fic, too. Maybe write that Lady of the Camellias thing I had in mind, with Nanina and Marguerite... We'll see. I might also just stick to the Napoli one, everything indicates it'll be novel length, so.



I really wanna get started on the second chapter tonight, but at the same time I'm (understandably) very tired and should probably do something a bit gentler for myself. Watch something. So many versions of Lady of the Camellias are available on YouTube, it's just a matter of picking and choosing. I could also rewatch Napoli... Choices, choices. This is where being tired never helped me, I was never very good a choosing what I wanted. My ideas change too much, too often. Even I can't quite follow suit.



Most likely, I'll end up editing something in the previous scenes of the fic, maybe start writing more on the Napoli welcome note for my future artist. Actually, that would be a good, relaxing idea. I might do that.



I have a wonderful cup of chamomile tea and some relaxing, lo-fi tunes in my ear. Life is starting out just right for September.


friday.

Sep. 1st, 2023 11:08 am
sunfright: Susanne Grinder (RDB) as Marguerite Gautier in a promotional photoshoot. (camellia)





Woke up at five today and had the final scene of my first chapter so clearly envisoned in my head, I had to get out of bed and just get it written. Which means I now have 2/7th of this fic done, with the prologue written and finally, the first chapter, ready to move on to the second.

We're at almost 10.000 words at this point.



I think I said yesterday, in evident tiredness, that the next part was called "Bargaining", well, it's not!! Hahaha, the next part is "Anger". It begins with Gennaro's vigil at the marina, a scene I'm really looking forward to writing - though, it'll be another of those scenes with a bunch of people gathered in the same place, so I have to strike the right balance between observation and internal monologue and focus on the main players. I find some comfort in how easily it went with the last scene of that kind, without me struggling too much, so I just need to write it on a day when I've got enough energy for it. Evidently not today. I'll save it for tomorrow when K. and I are going downtown. Maybe, if I have time today, I'll watch the beginning of act 3 of the ballet to get the right feel for the set-up. It's a scene where the people of Naples hold a vigil for Teresina whom they think has been lost at sea. So, similar.



Today I still have my set of chores and besides that, I'll try getting more of that Napoli plot synopsis translated for my artist welcome note which is honestly becoming more a letter than a note. I sincerely hope my artist likes to read... >_>



Also, at some point - probably my night - an author sign-up post should go up for [community profile] smallfandombang and I'm so mightily excited about that, I can't even. Can't, can't, can't. Very much looking forward.



In the meantime, I may have gotten a second idea for a small fandom fic I wanna write. Which takes us back to my favourite fandom of all time, The Lady of the Camellias. I watched the beginning of the Bolshoi version of the ballet yesterday and never have a seen a Nanina who was as in lesbians with her mistress than that Nanina. She was also quite young for the role which is normally danced by a character dancer (40+) and it just gave me a massive plot bunny for a story where Nanina, after Marguerite's death and having handed over her diary to Armand, travels back to the village she hears her sister was from to try and find this sister and make her tell her about Marguerite as she was before Paris, because she wants to know the whole person, now that she has nothing of her left, except her memory. It could be an interesting story.



I don't know why I write about death that much these days, though??? Apparently that's just a thing that happens for me right now. Something to consider?

Or something to enjoy. It's such a bittersweet topic and always, always relevant.


tuesday.

Aug. 29th, 2023 03:32 pm
sunfright: Susanne Grinder and J'aime Crandall as Marguerite and Manon in The Lady of the Camellias. (manonique)







With the help of this playlist, I have finally been able to finish this scene I've been stumbling over for too long. Almost five pages did I get to write today and although I haven't read it start to finish yet, I think I've managed to portray the exact feeling I was going for, and that is just amazing. It's the one thing that went right today and I am gonna savour it, because everything else has been shit. Pretty much.

I've been anxious. I've been tired. I've felt depressed. I think some of it is hormonal, but a part of it probably isn't and I am so not ready for an early winter depression to hit already, please spare me.

This Napoli project is proving a saving grace once more. Only makes me more impatient to hear back from the [community profile] smallfandombang mod about whether it qualifies as an acceptable fandom. Fingers crossed!



Just fixed up the kitchen and actually feel a bit dizzy from that sudden burst of exertion. Have to get ready for when K. gets home, since we'll be going out to get the shopping together. So should go change clothes and get properly dressed, I guess.

Why can't people go get the shopping in their PJs? At least without getting weird stares.



Tomorrow, my social worker is gonna come and I will have to say to her that I think I'm ready to only see her every second week and it's freaking me the fuck out. Every anxious part of my being is screaming that something disastreous will happen while she isn't there and I'll be unable to do anything, rocks fall, everyone dies. I know it's just the anxiety, but fuck, it's hard to keep down.

I know, however, that this is the next step for me and it might release some energy on the weeks when I won't be seeing her to do other, exciting things. :) I have to hope for that.

Besides, I can always call her or text her and we'll figure something out. This isn't, like, the end.

I have to keep that in mind, too. It's not the finish, it's a step on the way.



Cut for PTSD talk, bullying and trauma. )



Then, I eat a piece of chocolate and I savour the taste of it - and I think, well, I can still feel happiness, at least. It's not lost to me.

It's just a complicated thing.


August 2024

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