tuesday.

Massive anxiety day today. Just a generally crappy mindset day, too, lots of self-blame, guilt, lack of motivation, perfectionism and uncertainty. I'm not hungry and can't make myself eat, trying to fill my stomach with something by making tea, but I know I need to eat to get energy to even try to fight this back. Just... feeling slightly nauseus at the mere thought. Haven't taken my medication either, because I need to take it with food and... yeah. Maybe I'll skip my morning meds and just take my evening meds early, my routine's gotten a bit warped anyway, so. I might do that.

Have decided on a present for my dad's birthday and will need to get downtown at some point this week to look the options over, maybe get them to order something home if they don't have exactly what I'm looking for. I really don't need that right now, but it's gotta get done.

At least, it's the good tea I've made. So floral. So nice.

Fuck, my anxieties are bad right now. Just a lot of worrying and catastrophe scenarios and why haven't you or -- why didn't you?? I just want my mind to be quiet and tranquil. I want the sedative I took ten minutes ago to work already.

So much restlessness, too.

Okay, okay, I can focus on something else. I've got other things to do. Like my writing. I passed 40k this morning and currently have a word count of 40641, with six poems to go for September. I can't tell exactly how much this fic is gonna land on, but my guess is about 55-56k. We'll see how precise I was in two weeks from now. Right now my schedule says I'll be finished writing by the 1st of April and if things keep progressing the way they are now, I actually don't doubt it. Then, after that, a lot of rereading, first and second editing rounds and such, but all in all, I should be done by middle of April.

We'll see. I haven't fallen behind schedule yet, but if my mental space keeps being this crappy, I quickly could. I'm giving myself leeway. I might not manage to finish this fic before the deadline on the 20th of April, but if nothing else bethefirst has inspired great things from me. I'll be proud of myself regardless.

Also, this fic has basically kept me sane over the month of March, so I really will do everything I can do finish it properly and beautifully, take care with it.

It's been good to me.

tuesday.

Sometimes I think writing is both a symptom of me being in a bad place and the remedy for me being in a bad place - and I haven't completely figured out the balance act between those two things. Under any circumstances, I guess the important thing is that me writing isn't what puts me in a bad place, and as long as that isn't the case, I guess the rest is a question of minor adjustments. The type of thing to do along the way.

And some days, the bad place has just grown so huge that minor adjustments aren't helping much, and on those days I just need to do whatever it takes to get me through, just get me through.

Those are thoughts I've been considering on a grey, rainy Tuesday where everything had been a little bit harder than it usually is and a lot harder than I personally think is fair. It doesn't help that tomorrow, my social worker will come by and I have to take the Talk with her about how our last appointment was extremely triggering for me and has actually, though not only due to her actions, been keeping me under for the better part of a week.

I hate having to touch on boundaries with people, especially people I feel are in some kind of authoritative position over me, telling them something they did was a problem to me and affected me negatively. It is my absolute most hated thing to do and I don't feel I am even in a place mentally to do it right now. Yet, if I don't do it tomorrow, it'll fade into the background and might happen again... So, there's no way around it, I feel.

Fuck.

If nothing else, I got today's writing done, all eleven poems! 41.500~ words, 256 pages. I've also done the layout for chapter 10 and am going to spend tomorrow, when I've come down from the social worker talk, I imagine, doing keywords and outlining for October. It's mountain territory, so I might have to read up on mountaineering and mountain passes and the like to be a little prepared for writing 31 + 10-ish poems set in that environment. I mean, I'm from Denmark, I know nothing about mountains. It's not a feature in the landscape we're at all acquainted with.

Not gonna try writing anything more tonight, though. After a delicious dinner with a new meatball recipe, my spoons have been used digesting and considering rereading the month of September, though it might just... stay a consideration.

Yeah, I'm completely worn thin after today.