wednesday.

Against absolutely all odds, I have managed the two things I'd set my mind to today.

1) I talked to my social worker!! I fucking did it. And I cried and it was painful, but she was amazing about it and very understanding and promised to take this episode into consideration in the future. Meaning, she will probably be more attentive to my reactions in the future. I was so happy. I cleaned out our office space (minus the messy corner which we'll look at next week) afterwards with her help and it looks pretty amazing now, actually. I'm really proud of myself.

2) Despite having zero motivation to do it, I've keyworded and made a general outline for the tenth chapter of my Omina fic. Suddenly I understand the fanfic authors who have WIPs lying around with, like, 9/11 chapters on AO3 and no continuation in sight, because fuck, if that isn't where I am. I hit such a peak in chapter 9, it's kinda hard moving on from there, although it needs to get done to tie it all together. Luckily, my online writing group is hosting 24 Hours of Writing on Friday with bingos and challenges and sprints, so I hope to not only catch up, but get a head start on my weekend's writing then.

I am nursing some insecurities and doubts right now regarding myself and my worth in this world, but I'm trying to work through it without it becoming a big thing. And, more than anything, to avoid agreeing with the voice that tells me I'm not enough, not doing enough, etc. Because at least I know it's bullshit, fifteen years of therapy has done something besides ruining me financially. I know that these are just thoughts, not reality, but sometimes it feels very real and very overwhelming and I've had that kind of day today.

Where it felt very real, the things I can tell myself.

On the other hand, today has also been a day of proving that they can be very real, the things I want to do for myself, so I guess it's a 50/50.

wednesday.

Also, I've been researching mountains and I love how a mountain is kinda divided into zones where the animals and plants in one zone often can't actively exist in one of the other zones surrounding it, because it's not made for that?? So you kinda move up through belts of vegetation and fauna when climbing a mountain, the base looking nothing like the peak (well, often the peaks are mostly barren, but still)...

I'm just honestly fascinated and wish mountains were a thing here. I have to go to Sweden or Norway to really get the experience. Well, or Germany and I've driven through all three, but actually being in a mountain landscape is not something I've done.

On my bucket list now.

wednesday.

SEPTEMBER 30TH

The city lies behind them, she doesn’t turn around to look; the Amazon knows what a falling system resembles. This one will be no different from any of the others, except in how her heart knows the faces and the names of the people whom she is leaving to pick up the rubble in its wake.

Is she supposed to show greater mercy than nature, isn’t she a reflection of storms and floods?

The harvest celebrations have yet to occur, the king would have allowed her to stay, but she wouldn’t allow herself. She has no right to the fruits of their labour, when her legacy is that chaotic notion of freedom and equality, ideals that must be built from a new foundation; first, all that is old must go. Down.

While she, on the other hand, must go up. There is only one way.

Such ends September in my Omina fic. Now comes the mountains and whatever awaits on the other side of them. I haven't decided yet.