sunfright | tuesday.

Massive anxiety day today. Just a generally crappy mindset day, too, lots of self-blame, guilt, lack of motivation, perfectionism and uncertainty. I'm not hungry and can't make myself eat, trying to fill my stomach with something by making tea, but I know I need to eat to get energy to even try to fight this back. Just... feeling slightly nauseus at the mere thought. Haven't taken my medication either, because I need to take it with food and... yeah. Maybe I'll skip my morning meds and just take my evening meds early, my routine's gotten a bit warped anyway, so. I might do that.

Have decided on a present for my dad's birthday and will need to get downtown at some point this week to look the options over, maybe get them to order something home if they don't have exactly what I'm looking for. I really don't need that right now, but it's gotta get done.

At least, it's the good tea I've made. So floral. So nice.

Fuck, my anxieties are bad right now. Just a lot of worrying and catastrophe scenarios and why haven't you or -- why didn't you?? I just want my mind to be quiet and tranquil. I want the sedative I took ten minutes ago to work already.

So much restlessness, too.

Okay, okay, I can focus on something else. I've got other things to do. Like my writing. I passed 40k this morning and currently have a word count of 40641, with six poems to go for September. I can't tell exactly how much this fic is gonna land on, but my guess is about 55-56k. We'll see how precise I was in two weeks from now. Right now my schedule says I'll be finished writing by the 1st of April and if things keep progressing the way they are now, I actually don't doubt it. Then, after that, a lot of rereading, first and second editing rounds and such, but all in all, I should be done by middle of April.

We'll see. I haven't fallen behind schedule yet, but if my mental space keeps being this crappy, I quickly could. I'm giving myself leeway. I might not manage to finish this fic before the deadline on the 20th of April, but if nothing else

bethefirst has inspired great things from me. I'll be proud of myself regardless.

Also, this fic has basically kept me sane over the month of March, so I really will do everything I can do finish it properly and beautifully, take care with it.

It's been good to me.