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tuesday.
With the help of this playlist, I have finally been able to finish this scene I've been stumbling over for too long. Almost five pages did I get to write today and although I haven't read it start to finish yet, I think I've managed to portray the exact feeling I was going for, and that is just amazing. It's the one thing that went right today and I am gonna savour it, because everything else has been shit. Pretty much.
I've been anxious. I've been tired. I've felt depressed. I think some of it is hormonal, but a part of it probably isn't and I am so not ready for an early winter depression to hit already, please spare me.
This Napoli project is proving a saving grace once more. Only makes me more impatient to hear back from the
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smallfandombang mod about whether it qualifies as an acceptable fandom. Fingers crossed!Just fixed up the kitchen and actually feel a bit dizzy from that sudden burst of exertion. Have to get ready for when K. gets home, since we'll be going out to get the shopping together. So should go change clothes and get properly dressed, I guess.
Why can't people go get the shopping in their PJs? At least without getting weird stares.
Tomorrow, my social worker is gonna come and I will have to say to her that I think I'm ready to only see her every second week and it's freaking me the fuck out. Every anxious part of my being is screaming that something disastreous will happen while she isn't there and I'll be unable to do anything, rocks fall, everyone dies. I know it's just the anxiety, but fuck, it's hard to keep down.
I know, however, that this is the next step for me and it might release some energy on the weeks when I won't be seeing her to do other, exciting things. :) I have to hope for that.
Besides, I can always call her or text her and we'll figure something out. This isn't, like, the end.
I have to keep that in mind, too. It's not the finish, it's a step on the way.
K. said something interesting to me last night, after my trigger response at the table. She said, being bullied feels like a life or death situation to the nervous system, it feels like you will literally die if you don't navigate it right, so surviving bullying feels like surviving a war zone, hence the PTSD symptoms I'm dealing with now.
On days like today - well, the past few days in general - it's so bad I honestly feel that I can't function and even the bare minimum is too much to ask, re: functioning. I look at my dad, who has been deployed to Kosovo twice and has visible PTSD still, but is coping somehow. And I look at myself and wonder, why can't you do that? Why can't you keep a job and not let these reactions seep into all human interaction you are part of?
I know the two can't be compared. I know me and my dad can't be compared. But I do it anyway, and I always feel like the truly losing party.
On days like today, it bothers me, also probably more than it should.
I hate losing so much of myself to these feelings.
Then, I eat a piece of chocolate and I savour the taste of it - and I think, well, I can still feel happiness, at least. It's not lost to me.
It's just a complicated thing.
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That was normalized in the 2000s in the US. Sorry it wasn't over there.
I look at my dad, who has been deployed to Kosovo twice and has visible PTSD still, but is coping somehow. And I look at myself and wonder, why can't you do that? Why can't you keep a job and not let these reactions seep into all human interaction you are part of?
Trauma during your developmental years tends to have more pervasive effects than adult trauma.
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Thank you for that info, also. I didn't know, but it explains some things.
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I highly doubt it would be worth it.
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