tuesday.

[sunfright]

Sometimes I think writing is both a symptom of me being in a bad place and the remedy for me being in a bad place - and I haven't completely figured out the balance act between those two things. Under any circumstances, I guess the important thing is that me writing isn't what puts me in a bad place, and as long as that isn't the case, I guess the rest is a question of minor adjustments. The type of thing to do along the way.

And some days, the bad place has just grown so huge that minor adjustments aren't helping much, and on those days I just need to do whatever it takes to get me through, just get me through.

Those are thoughts I've been considering on a grey, rainy Tuesday where everything had been a little bit harder than it usually is and a lot harder than I personally think is fair. It doesn't help that tomorrow, my social worker will come by and I have to take the Talk with her about how our last appointment was extremely triggering for me and has actually, though not only due to her actions, been keeping me under for the better part of a week.

I hate having to touch on boundaries with people, especially people I feel are in some kind of authoritative position over me, telling them something they did was a problem to me and affected me negatively. It is my absolute most hated thing to do and I don't feel I am even in a place mentally to do it right now. Yet, if I don't do it tomorrow, it'll fade into the background and might happen again... So, there's no way around it, I feel.

Fuck.

If nothing else, I got today's writing done, all eleven poems! 41.500~ words, 256 pages. I've also done the layout for chapter 10 and am going to spend tomorrow, when I've come down from the social worker talk, I imagine, doing keywords and outlining for October. It's mountain territory, so I might have to read up on mountaineering and mountain passes and the like to be a little prepared for writing 31 + 10-ish poems set in that environment. I mean, I'm from Denmark, I know nothing about mountains. It's not a feature in the landscape we're at all acquainted with.

Not gonna try writing anything more tonight, though. After a delicious dinner with a new meatball recipe, my spoons have been used digesting and considering rereading the month of September, though it might just... stay a consideration.

Yeah, I'm completely worn thin after today.

Comments

[sunfright]

I'm glad it's not just me where it's like that. In a way it's a help, having your own medication at hand, but at the same time that medication (writing) can be stressful and aggravate things. It's complex.

I've definitely thought about writing down what I was going to say, either as notes or as a letter or something, because the written medium just works for me better, but I haven't had spoons for it earlier today and she'll be here very early in the morning tomorrow, so I might not have time. But I'll try, if all else fails, I have words on paper I can find some support in.

Yes! I'm very excited about doing some mountain research. It should be fun.

[sunfright]

Not writing is definitely also a symptom, in my experience.

I hadn't heard of that book! But it sounds really exciting, I should look into it. Thank you for the rec!

We'll see how it goes. Thanks for the thoughts, they helped a lot.