sunfright | saturday.

I woke up after a terrible nightmare last night, it was, like, half past two, middle of the night, and I just couldn't go back to sleep again, because it was too terrible, almost like a night terror. My GF said she had trouble waking me up from it, although she could hear me saying things like "no" and stuff and knew it had to be pretty bad.

So I sat up a couple of hours between two-thirty and five-thirty, getting a lot of writing done which was really nice. I got started on August, managed nine poems before crawling back to bed and catching a few more hours of sleep.

This morning I feel slightly better. Still very, very anxious and it doesn't take much to set of anxieties and worries and catastrophe scenarios in my head. However, I feel creative and energetic otherwise and have written almost non-stop since waking up at eight. Which means the sixteen poems I had planned for today are almost done, I think I'm on August 15th right now, trying to get started. I've been doing sprints in my writing group Discord server and as always, that has helped a lot, too.

So, I think, to reward myself for surviving yesterday, mostly without a hitch, I am going to just write all day today, as much as I can manage. I feel stronger when I write. I feel more removed from the things that pain and frustrate me. I feel competent and free.

I like feeling that way. I like feeling independent and my own person, not tied to all this shit going on in my actual life.

So, that's what I'm gonna do.

Don't worry, be happy.

...

Whoever said that should get the treatment I gave our apartment in my dream last night. Tear them down and burn them to the ground. F***. I had so much aggression and frustration and anger that needed out, apparently.