sunfright | tuesday.

Despite the joy I feel re: my writing at the moment, I can also feel an imbalance and more existential dissatisfaction haunting me these days. I haven't been entirely sure what's up with that until I had a long talk with my girlfriend yesterday and we settled on it being at least in part rooted in my ambivalence towards being social. It's such a balance act, how I feel generally very lonely and yet, I don't have the energy or motivation for socialising and I, due to my bullying trauma, don't feel comfortable in social interaction situations. The Internet is good for this, because there's no exposure, but it can also be very lonely, since sometimes it does feel like you're just yelling into a void.

Roleplaying is a good in-between activity in regards to this struggle, because on one hand it takes place online and you're not facing anyone in person - on the other, it still is a social sphere with separate social norms, rules, etiquette and the like that you kinda have to adopt to make anything work. So, it has both worlds, the together but apart division. I like that. But even in RP, I've felt dissatisfied lately. One thing is a general problem with attention span and sticking to one character over a longer period, which makes most interaction fleeting as it is, but another is how I'm often triggered on a basic "I don't understand the rules of this world and I can't read the room as a result" level and that can make it even more difficult staying in a thread, a plotline or whatever.

Well, K. and I talked it over some and I think, what I am really missing, since I mostly play in memes - loose, singular setting scenarios - is a setting that is firmer and has more defined premises. A game would do this, but I haven't been in a game properly for almost ten years and have been reluctant to try it on my own. This was where K. was so kind as to offer apping into a game with me, to stay by my side as I found my feet in the social ranks. She wouldn't be as active as me, evidently, since she has a full-time job and such, but she would give it a go for me.

That feels a lot like love, to be honest. It feels nice. And it feels like something I might want to try, just to expose myself a little bit to some socialising again.

Anyway, it could be a place to start, so that might happen over the next couple of months.

Right now, we're working with the idea of apping in with Anton (my character) and Jonathan from our original, historical universe set in Denmark. We still need to research more etc., but it's an option that appeals to us both, which is always the trick, finding those, with the two of us. Our tastes are very different. Next difficult step would be to land on a game that appeals to us both as well. But I've begun game hunting and will keep an eye on what opens during spring, too.

I'm excited for it, I think.

I think.