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wednesday.
Woke up and felt like hell, thought to myself: well, it's gonna be another one of those days, is it?
Short answer: It wasn't.
Had a visit from my social worker and I got some practical stuff out of the way, though, mostly we just sat and talked about my plans for March and how I was afraid that due to the tough as hell therapy Monday, I would have a hard time managing all of it. She said something really simple, yet really wise which was: maybe it's a good thing you have all these things that require you push through a little, because if you hadn't had anything to do, you'd just wallow in the feelings.
Usually, I'd protest this kind of thinking, I'm a firm believer that sometimes I really just need to sit down and "wallow" in it to get through to the other side, but with this? I don't think that's the case. I think I need to keep activated and distract myself from it, because it isn't going to change. The bullying happened, I can't take that away. I can only try to move on from it.
Evidently, she struck a chord with me, because as soon as she had left, I actually felt better. I felt more like myself, and although I still had a relatively slow start getting to writing and getting the shopping done, I did it and once I got started, there was no stopping me.
Don't worry, I took good care of myself. I had a nap and I prioritized lunch and things like that, but I also just worked through it.
It was a relevation for me, personally. That this can actually still work for me sometimes. It used to be my main coping strategy, before I got really sick, so to be able to manage it again? I think it's a really good sign.
The important thing is to keep being aware that it doesn't work forever and sometimes I have to sit down, wait it out, be present in it and feel.
However, today I distracted myself and I got a lot of writing done, finishing up my April poems. My Word document is now at 100 pages (due to formatting, not in actual words) and I have never juggled such a huge document before! I think the longest fic I've written was maybe 50 pages long? If that much. I'm extremely proud of myself and maybe feeling a tiny bit intimidated.
Tonight and tomorrow, I hope to read through all four months that I've written so far and edit some stuff, because I've made an agreement with my beta that she can read over the fic in parts, so she can work on the first four months while I write the next four and so on. Very much hoping to finish read-through and notes + outline for May by Friday, so I can send it to her soon. I'm very excited and very, very nervous to share this one.
I have a feeling that it might be boring for absolutely everybody else but me to read, hahaha. Not that it's stopping me from keeping up the writing flow, but ugh. Who will even read this once I'm done??
So, general update on my progress goes as follows:
Current word count: 17.043/50.000~
Current month count: 4/12
Current poem count: 120/365
Tomorrow, my only plans are a walk with my social worker's intern (we go for walks once a week as part of her training) and some shopping, otherwise I'm free to get my fic read and edited, as well as prep stuff for further writing.
By chance, I discovered
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smallfandombang which I might be considering doing for any one of my most beloved ballet fandoms, though right now I'm thinking of writing a long-ass Olympia/Marguerite fic, because apparently it's a pairing I never tire of.Once this Omina fic is done, of course. Of course. *shifty eyes*
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I'm really happy to be able to keep my motivation up for this fic, despite its very narrow scope of readers. It just makes me feel honestly satisfied and that is a feeling I don't feel often enough, so I'll take it. :)
After all, it's not about the readers at all. It's my process and my work. This fic is mine and I love that.