monday.

[sunfright]

Evening. Bedtime soon.

We had a really nice dinner, I was impressed that I had the energy to cook at all, that my girlfriend and I managed to get it done together regardless of how tired we both were. We had pork belly and potatoes with a nice sauce, very standard, old-fashioned Danish cooking. But it was delicious and I feel very full. I don't think we've eaten as much as we should the past few days, but at least we made up for it today.

I still feel anxious and restless. I find it difficult to concentrate on anything I'd like to do and my focus shifts constantly. I'm trying to be understanding, accepting and forgiving of myself, but it's difficult. I really just want to be able to produce something or do something with myself, not think, not feel. And if I can't do that, I just want to sleep. Sleep until this state of being is over and past.

I'm listening to Spiegel im Spiegel by Arvo Pärt. It's one of my favourite pieces of music and it never fails to calm me somewhat, the slow, steady, even tempo like a balm to my nerves. I remember, the first time I was admitted to hospital, how I'd listen to this piece of music while falling asleep, because it was the only way I could find solace from my thoughts and worries. It still works, to this day.

You get it in this beautiul version...

Watch on YouTube

It isn't true that I haven't gotten anything done besides cooking. I did write another poem, but I struggled with it, meaning I probably wasn't completely ready to write it yet - however I had this clear idea of what I wanted to write, so I tried getting the skeleton of it down, but as I said. A struggle. So far, this is what I have, but something about it feels off to me. Maybe some of you can help me pinpoint where the issue is?

I cry
with my hands
from the tips of my fingers
which take in the world
like eyes

around my feet
everything becomes
brackish water
in time
with my tear-letting

I am measured
in equal parts
saltiness
and life-source

I have another free day tomorrow. I'm hoping I'll sleep more soundly tonight so I can actually use it for something constructive that isn't all fear and worries. I went for a walk today, I hope I've got the energy for another one tomorrow. Maybe even a longer one, I would like to visit the cemetery and the church nearby and see the field and the lake on the other side of the road, too. Feel a little bit like I'm in this world. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living in parallels.

For now, I'll get ready for bed, I think. There are no parallels when I'm sleeping.

Comments

[sunfright]

Aw, thank you. I corrected a few things in it before posting it yesterday and that helped in my own perception, too, so I'm glad to hear you say so.

Everything I have heard by Arvo Pärt so far is absolutely beautiful and gives me the same sense of hypnotic calm as this.