monday.

Despite it being a tense evening in most other ways yesterday, or perhaps because it was, so I had something I needed to distract myself from, it became a very productive writing night. K. started rewatching 'The Phantom Menace' to prepare for her own fic and I managed to write my whole second scene in pretty much one sitting. Two pages of quiet existence. Just inner monologue and wordless observation. This scene gave me a really good feeling of what goes on in my narrator beneath her pretty straight-forward, superficial attitude and it really cemented what foundation my future ship is getting built on - and wow, do they have a longer way to go than I thought from the get-go. There are a lot of hurt feelings and loss to bridge here. It isn't only Teresina who must survive a great blow to the order of her life, Giovanina is surviving the consequences of a past one to her life every day, still. It'll be interesting to see how they might be able to support each other. How much they might be able to give each other, if nothing else then in sympathy at first.

Having finished the second scene already, it means I'm - at eight pages - one third through my first chapter. I expect the next scene to be a rather long one, since it takes place in a crowded place, so there will be a lot of people and reactions and observations to describe. Besides the core plot itself. It's the kind of scene I almost never write otherwise, because I hate finding the balance between including the surrounding scenery and just focusing on the two or three characters in focus, but this time there's probably no way around it - it's that balance point between surrounding and center that's gonna carry the whole atmosphere. And besides, it will mirror the way the ballet itself is styled. It's a very busy ballet, scenography-wise. I want to capture that feeling.

And while writing that, I suddenly had an idea for where to begin the third scene, more specifically.

The small miracles of writing. :)



K. is staying home working later today, until about noon. And not to get too stressed out about her hanging around in my "personal time", I'm going to go to the libary and write, probably as early on as I can get myself kicked out of the apartment for. I'm hoping for a 10-12 (maybe 1 pm) work interval. Realistically, it's probably going to be an 11 am - 1 pm one instead, though. If I know myself right.



Some kind of drama happened to one of the writing Discord servers I was in. The admin pretty much flounced and, after half a day, just nuked the whole server without any explanation. It's just... gone. It was the server I was most active in and I can kinda feel all my old school trauma rearing its head, because it's evident something was going on beneath the surface that I knew nothing about and still know nothing about. I quickly got over the first meek feeling that it might have to do with me, because that's automatic thinking more than reality, there were no indications that it did, but this uncertainty of what the fuck was going on really got to me and I've been anxious ever since. Also, man, I miss my home server, okay? Now I either got to start using the main NaNo server again or, IDK, make my own or something. That's just bothersome.



There's a couple of hours until I can make tea, because the kettle wakes K. up and once she wakes up, it takes her literal hours to fall back asleep, so waking her two hours before she's supposed to get up is a real no-go. So, here I am, tired - but not tired enough to sleep more and thirsty - but I can't make a cup of chamomile. I've got big life problems here, evidently.



I'm going to call my mom today, after I get home from the library and I think I'll invite her and dad to come for tea some day during September, and I'll talk with them about the bullying issues I'm having and maybe how that's impacting my relationship to them. They might not understand it and it might not really improve anything, but then I've said it. I've put it into words. I think that's important for me. My growth. Emotional development. I probably won't tell them it's what we'll be doing until after I've discussed it with my therapist on the 7th, because then I can still back out and just do something else with them if she doesn't think it's a good idea or not the time or whatever can come up.

The issue of my courage, I guess.



Feels like that's the issue a lot.

monday.

Besides the scene intro I managed to write early in the morning, I haven't really been able to write much today. I've been constantly triggered and had a super bad phone conversation with my mom, so I haven't been able to concentrate and/or produce anything of note. Did manage to edit some words afterwards and that will have to do for today. More to come tomorrow, I guess. I have the whole day off, if nothing else. Some chores to do, but other than that, nothing - and I won't be leaving the apartment. Plenty of time to write.

I need to rewatch some scenes from Napoli to capture the sense of business and crowds, but other than that, I know exactly where I need to go with this scene, so it's just a matter of getting the words down and do it. Create it. Make it happen.

It's September soon, time for author sign-ups for smallfandombang and I'm mightily excited, really hoping Napoli qualifies as an acceptable fandom. At this point, I don't really feel like writing anything else - and I guess, if it's not, I'll simply not participate and write this fic anyway.

But I'm tired now, so it will have to wait until morning. Now I need to take my evening meds, make ready for bed and sleep.

monday.

I have, however, for the first time in a while, gotten an idea for an original project I'd like to write at some point. I love the epistolary format and feel like I could do something wonderful with that. My recent interest in Marie Antoinette and 1700's-era France also reminded me of how I still haven't read other prominent French works from the 18th century (I chewed my way through Manon Lescaut earlier this summer), so I think I need to get my hands on Dangerous Liaisons and Marquis de Sade's Justine as part of my research for this.

I think that's all I'm gonna say for now.