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wednesday.
Feb. 22nd, 2023 03:09 pmI'm having another really difficult day. My thoughts are in all directions, shooting off like stars, but unfortunately not as pretty as that. I've slept, I've taken a sedative, I've done everything I can think of to try and help me relax, keep my system from stressing so much, but. Nothing really seems to be working.
I've skirted a bit between projects. I still really want to get started on my Fannish Fifty stuff and have a pretty solid idea for the first two installments, maybe even the first five. I want to open with an essay on my own personal relationship to La Sylphide, combined with a general introdiction to the ballet for non-balletomanes. After that, four essays on various femslash pairings from the ballet, three of them Effy-centered. I have a pretty strong idea for my Effy/Nancy (her maid of honour) chapter, as well as for my Effy/Madge (the witch) chapter, but both my Effy/Sylph and Sylph/Madge chapters are fuzzy, still. I'm just not much in a sylph-like state of mind these days. She's so spritely and I just feel -- not very spritely at all.
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day with a visit from my social worker's mentee (we're just going for a walk) and later in the day, therapy. My visit home this time has really unsettled something in me, so I'm glad I can get to talk it out with my therapist. I know the main issue is the anger I feel but don't show, I just -- don't know what to do about it? I have no language for anger. I only know how to suppress it until it physically hurts my body.
Friday is my day off, and I think I'll try get started on my La Sylphide stuff there. I've found all my old programs, books and DVDs, so I'm ready for the full show. We'll just have to see how much energy I have after that Thursday.
If nothing else, we have no plans this weekend. I hope it stays that way.
