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Entry tags:
thursday.
49 by Fani Papageorgiou
Happiness is harder on the lungs
light fades
and you must not touch any hallowed things.
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I recently, probably while working on Marta's journal, since The Saga of Jenny is on her soundtrack, remembered that I took this picture once, four years ago. Another reality, another time. The RDB was on tour around Jutland for the summer and had a stop-over in my city and my favourite ballerina, Holly Dorger here, was giving a performance of Hübbe's modern choreography, named after the song. It was originally part of his Weimar-inspired full-length montage of various loosely connected scenes and without a doubt the most successful of his works that evening, though the choreography for J'aime Crandall was also beautiful. Holly's was a showstopper of a choreography and a lot of fun to watch. As you can see, she looked like she had fun dancing it too, in the warm summer sunlight in front of a mall midtown. It was a happy moment. I like to highlight them every once in a while, because I seem to forget them too easily.
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FILS DE JOIE - STROMAE
Stromae, my big fave musician, dropped a killer beat on International Women's Day, mixing African and Caribbean influences with a message about treating sex workers like heroes rather than putting them down Powerful stuff and a sick song!
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I slept really poorly last night. I do that a lot these days, sitting up, anxious, unable to sleep, but the past two days have been particularly bad. So I've called in sick at work and feel both relieved and awful about it. I know they understand. It's me who doesn't. I don't understand why it has to be this hard, why I keep having to struggle this much. Why even the littlest things have to drain me so completely.
And I don't know for how much longer I can go on. It's not anything dramatic, it's just a realization that I kept on for too long back at university, before acknowledging that I had to go a different route. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm dragging this out as well, forcing myself to keep trying, because I can't imagine having to change lanes.
I'm super bad with changes. Especially huge, life-altering ones.
While I couldn't sleep last night, I rewatched the first act of the RDB's Swan Lake available for streaming on their website still. It's the one with J'aime Crandall as Odette/Odile and I was a bit harsh on her yesterday... Having rewatched her now, I feel I was being unfair. J'aime is a subdued, sad and soft Odette, not flat. Her variation that I linked to yesterday is the weakest part of her first act, she is a subtle, but emotional dramatician and her port de bras is equisite. She has so many little, elegant details that I'm sure I only picked up on because of the close-ups, but well. Close-up they worked. I quite liked her, actually, so I had to make an icon to honour that. Odette sometimes feels like my spirit animal, with her curse and her sorrows and her tragic end (I'm not aiming for a tragic end, but sometimes my life as it is currently playing out feels like one).
Plans for today are very bare-bone. Survive, eat, remember my meds, write a little if I can, read a little if I can and have a brief talk with my mentor later, just to keep tabs.
Is a bare-bone life worth all the hassle?
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Had a brain fart while sitting up all night. I'm already deep in those ballet muses again, but watching J'aime's Odette made me crave a modern interpretation of the fairytale, so I've now officially made my first one-icon account in a decade. I'm not an icon snob myself, tbh, but I've mostly always used the default 15. These days, I don't have the tools to make my own icons any longer, except very intermittently, so since most of my canons are obscure as fuck, icons are just not an option. But with most of my ballet accounts, the writing is really what's important anyway, so maybe it'll be good for my focus to change my attention to what really matters in a writing hobby. Until now, when I've top-leveled with modern Odette, I've felt a strange relief in not having to pick an icon for her, but just go with the default one. Novel feeling, that.
Most notably, modern Odette has a softer voice than my original Odette (to be fair, original Odette is based on Holly's Odette who is a fierce drama queen) and I'm enjoying the changes in her tone and her mood a lot. Love original Odette, but this is much more what I'm in the headspace for right now.
Have tagged out a little with the Sylph and that's going surprisingly well. Enjoying all the threads going on with her at the moment. I've really found her voice this time around, more than any of the other times I've tried my hands on her.
Marta is the one I return to once a day, when I need something easy and down-to-Earth, but she's getting a lot of traction and I'm enjoying all her threads, too.
So all in all, RP is good right now which is a relief, since life's so shitty. I can also feel that although I normally use RP as escapism, I'm not escaping quite so hard these days. Not because RL isn't suckiful to be in, but because I know it's not healthy for me and I have to navigate these things differently, if I at all can. Self-reflection at its best.