don't fear the sun.

monday.

Mon, 06 Nov 2023 18:24:29 GMT

With some nice encouragement, I got started. THE YEAR OF THE WOLF is now on AO3, well, the first ten poems are. I'm filing away at the sheer amount of days as we speak and will try to get the rest of January up tonight, but can't make any promises. There's a lot.

This is the one fic where I will really encourage people to note the warnings. Although it's not as such a graphic story, it works with some themes that could be triggering, so please keep that in mind.

This is the first ever novel length project I've written. It's honestly my baby. I'm proud of it and would love comments and kudos, of course, but I'm also very open to constructive criticism, so if there's anything you've got thoughts on, please let me know!

This has come such a long way.

comments

monday.

Mon, 06 Nov 2023 17:06:03 GMT

Okay, the Omina fic I wrote this spring? I really need to get it out of my system at this point, I feel like I can't truly move on to other writing projects until that one is done.

So, the next couple of days I'll do some formatting of the text and upload it to AO3. The only question is, what order do I upload it in?

The story consists of 365 prose poems, one prose poem for every day in the year. The prose poems tell a chronological story, so they have to go up in the right sequence. In my core text, each chapter covers a month, so about 28-31 prose poems, but I'm considering uploading each poem/day on its own, as its own chapter.

What are your thoughts, wise people on my friends' list. How do you think it would be most easy/comfortable to read? By the day or by the month? If I upload it a day at a time, the month will be inditated in the title/subject line thingy, so you'll still know whether you're reading for, say, March or May.

Each day/poem is about-ish 250 words long, by the way. If that makes a difference.

Help me, friends-list Kenobi!

comments

monday.

Mon, 30 Oct 2023 13:11:13 GMT

I'm not dead, there's just been a lot. I'm not gonna get into it. Important point: I'm not dead. Let's have a fresh start instead.

Because November is approaching, just two(-ish) more days to go and there'll be kick-off writing parties both at my local library and online in the evening. I've been through a lot of ideas and ended up discarding them all, having now landed on a (surprise) original idea - as in, not fanfiction, all ideas are, of course, original to some extend - for the first time in a couple of years.

New default icon thanks to that.

( About loving the France I know and being indifferent to the France I don't... Also, a lot of writing talk, feel free to skip. )

Anyway, that is my plan for November. I am going to "pants" this novel into fruition, which means I'll write the start I have in mind, not worry too much about planning the rest and just write stuff as it occurs to me. It'll probably be messy and unstructured and the first draft is no doubt going to be chaos, but that is a learning experience, too, and it's not like I'm going to show this story to anyone except my girlfriend anyway, haha. She is forgiving of my messes and I can afford not to be too perfectionistic or pedantic with her. She can take it.

The question is, can I?

I've picked this icon by bemybrokenheart for this post, because I hope the Arc de Triomphe will spiral me to NaNo victory and triumph with this story. If not, well, it's a very pretty icon.

That's it, people. This is me, being back. Hope you missed the endless rants about writing and story-developing and character gushing. If not, I don't know how to help you.

comments

monday.

Mon, 18 Sep 2023 11:24:46 GMT

Our weekend trip to Copenhagen went really well. K. had booked a hotel very close to the venue and we honestly only walked, like, five minutes to get there which was a big stressor off our shoulders. The hotel itself was super nice and was located in an old town house type of building and kept in an old-fashioned style with 19th century painting-replicas on the walls and such. The restaurant was excellent and the room was beautiful. I haven't slept as well as I did in that bed for years, not kidding you. It was soooooo good.

The performance was amazing. I am still not sold on the sets and costumes, although some of them are okay-ish, I guess, but mostly it felt like a whole cast of eye sores running around in really colourful clothes where the eye couldn't really find rest in anything. The lighting would have been extremely effectful if the colour scheme of the rest had been more demure. I missed the look of the black/white La Sylphide greatly that night.

However, the dancing, storytelling and acting of this performance was through the roof. Completely other level. Especially the first act, oh wow. I loved Stephanie's sylph, she was flimsical and airy and light, very alluring and paired with Alexander Bozinoff's James, I just bought the whole story of his downfall 200 percent. He was a very conflicted and devoted James, devoted to Effy (or trying to be, at least), devoted to his own dreams (the sylph) and devoted to doing what was right, by himself and by his community. In the end, he picks himself and that becomes the end of him. It was amazingly clear and well told.

What really won me over for this cast, though, was Christina Michanek as Madge!! OMG, she was amazing. I completely loved her. She was old and young and magical and a force of nature and strong and ugly and beautiful, all at the same time. Never have I seen a better Madge. She was spectacular. Along with a very strong Effy in Camilla Ruelykke (who, fun note, was actually Effy in the very first production I saw of La Sylphide on stage twelve years ago as well, she has grown so much into the role), this cast was completely on point with everything.

I loved it.

La Sylphide was shown alongside a short Balanchine work called Scotch Symphony and I liked parts of it. Holly danced the lead and she was completely in her A game. So well danced by her. I also really liked the solo Scotch girl danced by Tara Schaufuss, her part was my favourite part. But all in all, it wasn't the best Balanchine I've seen and the ballet itself felt a bit... fragmented. Somehow. Good fun while watching it, not something I'll remember for very long afterwards, except maybe specific moments.

Being back in Copenhagen was lovely, but stressful. Neither K. nor I are strong travellers and walking about with luggage and such is just always a hassle that takes more of our energy than it gives us back. Besides the hotel which was nice, we didn't get to see much. We did a very brief visit to the Glyptoteque, because there were so many people there and I simply couldn't stand it in my head. Ugh. But we did see the familiar sights and that was nice. Then, we got lunch. Lots of walking around, waiting around, then ballet and sleep. Probably not how most people would spend a weekend in CPH, but we do what we must.

I did enjoy myself and I hope we can do just a few more of these kinds of trips in the future.

Not this season, though. Besides La Sylphide there isn't anything I really want to see. Next season, then!

What did happen when we were on our way back by train was that I suddenly, for the first time in almost a week, had a raging urge to work on my Napoli project again, so although I was dead tired once we got off the train and got back to our place, I actually managed to get started on the next scene and today, after a good night's sleep, I even managed to finish it! It's one of the longest scenes in the entire fic and I really like it, I think. I need to read it over again, start to finish, but it ended exactly where I wanted it to and leads onwards seamlessly.

I only need one minor scene now to finish this chapter and then, there's only one more chapter left along with the epilogue and then, I'll be done. I hope to have first drift finished in a couple of week's time.

Still loving the process of working on this very much. Which is a relief, because most of last week, I was done with it.

comments

monday.

Mon, 11 Sep 2023 04:21:56 GMT

While thinking about how to carry my Napoli story onward, I looked over what I've actually written this weekend and if I'm feeling a little bit fatigued, I can totally see why! OMG, what a spurt. I've written almost two scenes every day since Thursday, much more than I had first anticipated and planned on. So, since I know what a burnout feels like, seeing as I went through a major one on the Omina project, I'll try not to do that again. We're going a little slower, I think, curbing the intensity just a bit from here on out. I have enough time.

And maybe have some side projects to relax with? I've never been particularly good at dividing my focus in terms of my writing, but if I have no real "ambition" with the side projects, maybe it won't feel like I'm taking away from the main one.

I tried it out a little yesterday, sitting down with my copy of A Woman Appeared to Me by Renée Vivien and doing some RP-related character analysis stuff for Vally. Mainly looking through her dialogue in the book. And it kinda rekindled an old idea I had a long time ago of writing a story that takes place within the universe portrayed in Vivien's book, but inviting the character of Lilith from Takarazuka's Lucifer's Tears into it. Lucifer's Tears takes place, like, a couple decades, maybe, after the events of A Woman Appeared to Me, but this is what we have AU's for and honestly, for Lilith's character in particular, it makes no great difference. At the point in canon I'm considering taking her from, she is removed enough from society that whether she lives (or dies) in 1904 or 1924, it should be no biggie, really.

That means, I'm probably gonna take a small break from the Napoli project today, either until I feel so inclined to pick it up again or if not before, then tomorrow.

Instead, I'll be rewatching Lucifer's Tears this morning (well, later this morning, it's 6am here) and see what interesting ideas I might get for the x-over from a revisit. The two canons both deal heavily in symbolism and metaphorical "good and evil" debates, so I think they'll be a natural fit. Not to mention, one of the recurrent themes of A Woman Appeared to Me is snakes and how "the eyes of Lilith can bring them to life again" which would be interesting to explore with a blind Lilith as part of that tale.

I'm imagining this will be another very atmospheric, quiet, sitting around talking a lot story, which just seems to be my style, so what can I do? If it ain't broken, don't fix it.

Made myself a new icon of one of the pages from the original edition of Renée Vivien's A Woman Appeared to Me with her own handwritten edits for the second print. Both because I felt it was fitting with a writing-inspired icon and just because, this book matters so much to me on a personal level that it seemed inevitable I'd eventually get myself an icon relating to it. The icon is made from an image I found on Tumblr, someone had uploaded three pages of the book with Vivien's own notes in ink from the National Library of France and it just looked so pretty...

returntomytilene

I also really, really need to get my hands on the new translation of this work that was published in recent years. Christmas, this time, I promise.

The general idea for this fic, I guess, is Vally - the love interest of the narrator of A Woman Appareared to Me, a cold, calculating woman who herself claims not to be able to love which is undoubtedly a lie for her own protection, but you know - finds Lilith in the streets and, having just been dumped by the narrator, decides to take her in, because the girl catches her fancy. Lilith actually gets proper medical care thanks to Vally's funds and survives her ordeal and the two, while she recovers, strike up a friendship that should, hopefully, end with Vally having been touched by Lilith's beautiful soul and opening herself up to love. Hurt/comfort, but you're not totally sure who's the hurt one and who's doing the comforting. Thinking this could work well as a series of micro-scenes. Depending on how long it gets, could be for tinyfandomflash. There are some good prompts from this year to work with, like Paradise Lost, for example.

Also, listening to this right now (Cécile Chaminade: Arabesque no. 1), for inspiration, because this piece of music will always remind me of the characters in that book, especially Vally.

I guess those were some very early morning thoughts?

comments

monday.

Mon, 04 Sep 2023 15:11:06 GMT

I am home. I am sitting down. I am drinking tea.

I am so tired.

As much as I love S. - and I do, she's found family to me in the most valuable way imaginable - the bus drive from my place to hers is a killer and when I get home from our visits, no matter what we've been doing, I am completely and utterly wiped.

Today we ended the visit with a 45 minute walk of her dog, in 25 degrees Celcius weather. Which is, I must add, a lot by Danish standards, especially in September.

I got home and just collapsed.

K. is having piano lessons tonight, so I'll be home alone between 7 pm and 9 pm which should probably be a good time to get some writing done. I finished my scene, so I think I will spend tonight finding out the approach I'm going to use for the next one and maybe, maybe get started on it, though I can already tell, actual writing words might not happen tonight.

Because. Tired.

comments

monday.

Mon, 04 Sep 2023 04:16:43 GMT

Morning. Early morning. I don't even have tea yet. (Something I will remedy in a moment).

I got up early (4 am-ish) because I couldn't sleep anymore and decided I was going to try and wrangle my scene, maybe even get it finished, because moving on to the next steps in this fic would be sooooo lovely. I had an outline for how I wanted this scene to be structured and I just couldn't seem to get it right. Well, this morning, I wrote what I thought would be a decent ending to it - realized it didn't fit my layout and unapologetically just binned the layout.

I know this sounds like common writer's process, but to me that's huge! I can get so rigid in my idea of something that even when I find another way that works better, I get stuck in that old idea and want it exactly like that. Yes, even when it doesn't work. I think it's an old coping mechanism from school, so they're huge as fuck forces I'm up against - but I did it and I'm insanely proud of myself. This scene still needs some additonal editing, because there is something about the pacing of it I'm not sure I'm crazy about, but it's a bridge leading onwards and I can move on to the next parts without missing that link in between. And editing it might even be easier when I know what it leads onto.

I have plans today! I'll be visiting my friend, S., who lives forty minutes away by bus with her little dog, Luna, and a lovely backyard where she grows vegetables and flowers and it's always a treat, going to see her. She'll be returning to uni in a week's time (she studies English) and after that, she'll be out of commission socially for a month or so while she adjusts to the workload, so it's also last call before those wheels start turning. I look so much forward to hearing about what she's been up to - and to tell her about my fic. She always has such a sharp gaze on characters and plot! One day, she'll be one hell of an editor, I just know it.

And K. has piano lessons later today, so all in all, I'll be on my own most evening. Hopefully, that means I can get started on the next scene of this second chapter. Plot-wise, I think the second chapter might be the weakest of them, as I've plotted them out so far, but we'll see. It's a very quiet-ish fic, one of those "nothing much happens, but everything happens in the little things" kinda deals.

If you know me, that's pretty much how I roll. If you don't know me, you should know that's pretty much how I roll.

comments

monday.

Mon, 28 Aug 2023 20:10:18 GMT

I have, however, for the first time in a while, gotten an idea for an original project I'd like to write at some point. I love the epistolary format and feel like I could do something wonderful with that. My recent interest in Marie Antoinette and 1700's-era France also reminded me of how I still haven't read other prominent French works from the 18th century (I chewed my way through Manon Lescaut earlier this summer), so I think I need to get my hands on Dangerous Liaisons and Marquis de Sade's Justine as part of my research for this.

I think that's all I'm gonna say for now.

comments

monday.

Mon, 28 Aug 2023 19:19:50 GMT

Besides the scene intro I managed to write early in the morning, I haven't really been able to write much today. I've been constantly triggered and had a super bad phone conversation with my mom, so I haven't been able to concentrate and/or produce anything of note. Did manage to edit some words afterwards and that will have to do for today. More to come tomorrow, I guess. I have the whole day off, if nothing else. Some chores to do, but other than that, nothing - and I won't be leaving the apartment. Plenty of time to write.

I need to rewatch some scenes from Napoli to capture the sense of business and crowds, but other than that, I know exactly where I need to go with this scene, so it's just a matter of getting the words down and do it. Create it. Make it happen.

It's September soon, time for author sign-ups for smallfandombang and I'm mightily excited, really hoping Napoli qualifies as an acceptable fandom. At this point, I don't really feel like writing anything else - and I guess, if it's not, I'll simply not participate and write this fic anyway.

But I'm tired now, so it will have to wait until morning. Now I need to take my evening meds, make ready for bed and sleep.

comments

monday.

Mon, 28 Aug 2023 03:25:12 GMT

Despite it being a tense evening in most other ways yesterday, or perhaps because it was, so I had something I needed to distract myself from, it became a very productive writing night. K. started rewatching 'The Phantom Menace' to prepare for her own fic and I managed to write my whole second scene in pretty much one sitting. Two pages of quiet existence. Just inner monologue and wordless observation. This scene gave me a really good feeling of what goes on in my narrator beneath her pretty straight-forward, superficial attitude and it really cemented what foundation my future ship is getting built on - and wow, do they have a longer way to go than I thought from the get-go. There are a lot of hurt feelings and loss to bridge here. It isn't only Teresina who must survive a great blow to the order of her life, Giovanina is surviving the consequences of a past one to her life every day, still. It'll be interesting to see how they might be able to support each other. How much they might be able to give each other, if nothing else then in sympathy at first.

Having finished the second scene already, it means I'm - at eight pages - one third through my first chapter. I expect the next scene to be a rather long one, since it takes place in a crowded place, so there will be a lot of people and reactions and observations to describe. Besides the core plot itself. It's the kind of scene I almost never write otherwise, because I hate finding the balance between including the surrounding scenery and just focusing on the two or three characters in focus, but this time there's probably no way around it - it's that balance point between surrounding and center that's gonna carry the whole atmosphere. And besides, it will mirror the way the ballet itself is styled. It's a very busy ballet, scenography-wise. I want to capture that feeling.

And while writing that, I suddenly had an idea for where to begin the third scene, more specifically.

The small miracles of writing. :)

K. is staying home working later today, until about noon. And not to get too stressed out about her hanging around in my "personal time", I'm going to go to the libary and write, probably as early on as I can get myself kicked out of the apartment for. I'm hoping for a 10-12 (maybe 1 pm) work interval. Realistically, it's probably going to be an 11 am - 1 pm one instead, though. If I know myself right.

Some kind of drama happened to one of the writing Discord servers I was in. The admin pretty much flounced and, after half a day, just nuked the whole server without any explanation. It's just... gone. It was the server I was most active in and I can kinda feel all my old school trauma rearing its head, because it's evident something was going on beneath the surface that I knew nothing about and still know nothing about. I quickly got over the first meek feeling that it might have to do with me, because that's automatic thinking more than reality, there were no indications that it did, but this uncertainty of what the fuck was going on really got to me and I've been anxious ever since. Also, man, I miss my home server, okay? Now I either got to start using the main NaNo server again or, IDK, make my own or something. That's just bothersome.

There's a couple of hours until I can make tea, because the kettle wakes K. up and once she wakes up, it takes her literal hours to fall back asleep, so waking her two hours before she's supposed to get up is a real no-go. So, here I am, tired - but not tired enough to sleep more and thirsty - but I can't make a cup of chamomile. I've got big life problems here, evidently.

I'm going to call my mom today, after I get home from the library and I think I'll invite her and dad to come for tea some day during September, and I'll talk with them about the bullying issues I'm having and maybe how that's impacting my relationship to them. They might not understand it and it might not really improve anything, but then I've said it. I've put it into words. I think that's important for me. My growth. Emotional development. I probably won't tell them it's what we'll be doing until after I've discussed it with my therapist on the 7th, because then I can still back out and just do something else with them if she doesn't think it's a good idea or not the time or whatever can come up.

The issue of my courage, I guess.

Feels like that's the issue a lot.

comments

monday.

Mon, 17 Jul 2023 03:51:29 GMT

Two weeks into K's vacation and most of the "tough" stuff has gotten over with. We've dog-sat, I've paid some emotionally draining bills, doctor's visit and some socialization. Tomorrow we'll be shutting off our phones, locking our door and enjoy four days of self-imposed artists' retreat with no chores, take-away every night and a lot of writing and piano playing for me and her respectively. I've really looked forward to this a lot and have finally decided on what to work on during it.

Before vacation started, K printed my whole Omina verse novel and I'll be doing some serious re-reading + editing and (maybe) start writing on a kind of sequel that popped into my head yesterday. One of my friends is currently doing the second round of beta-work on the novel, so at some point soon-ish I'll also be able to go through another set of notes and corrections on it and have it more finished. I look forward to one day being able to share it with you all. I'm no longer sure it's going up on AO3, but I made my own community for it, yearlong where it will be posted in whatever format I have patience for.

I foresee a lot of formatting.

While we're retreating, my online writing community is hosting a writing sit-in where you're ideally supposed to work 24 hours in a row, which is no doubt more than I can manage, but I'll participate in however much I can and hopefully get started on the sequel/side story-thingy I now kinda wanna do. I actually have the idea for two of those stories, since I one day want to write something from the perspective of the Amazon's love, too, but for now I wanna continue working with the Amazon as a character and get her back on the battlefield. Get her full circle.

On the other side of writers' retreat, K still has two weeks left of her vacation and we have a few other things planned before she needs to get back to work. One, is just us going on a date to one of the historical towns lying around Aarhus, called Ebeltoft. I love this little gem of a town and she's agreed to drive there on a pleasant day and maybe eat an ice cream and have lunch or something and play tourists. The other thing is visiting my parents which isn't something I really want to do, but to keep the peace it's necessary. Maybe one day this will be different, one way or the other, but for now... Yeah.

I hope to be a little more online here over the rest of the summer. There has just been a lot of emotionally draining things up to vacation time and when I feel pressured that way, I tend to go into RP-escapism mode. It's not an apology, because I know that isn't needed, but I realize it's a pattern and I'm acknowledging that.

I love RP'ing and there are periods where it's easier, more comfortable, so that's what I do. But I miss writing "my own things" (I consider the Omina novel my own thing, it's inspired by Omina but probably less fanfiction than, like, an original story with Greek myth themes or something) and focusing on that. I hope to do more of that over late summer and fall this year.

That is the long-term plan. Now that I know I can do it.

comments

monday.

Mon, 19 Jun 2023 05:15:07 GMT

With everything that's going on with AO3 and OTW, I might simply go back to posting my stuff to assorted journals again. I have a writing journal, madscenes, where I could post original/ballet-inspired stuff and most of my fandom stuff (CMBYN mostly), I'm not all that attached to, so I might just leave it be. As for my upcoming Omina beast of a novel-length fic, I've just made everything set in that verse its own community, yearlong, so both "The Year of the Wolf", its still untitled spin-off and various other fics within the same setting will end up there once they've been through the beta grinder and are finished. This is me recognizing that AO3 never was the best place for most of my stuff anyway, because it's not an original fic archive and doesn't work as one such either. I might put the Omina novel up there still - and I might not bother, it depends. I don't expect it to get a lot of readers anyway, so whether it sits here on DW in a lonely community or under a canon header no one besides me would ever search for, same thing.

And if this is the direction OTW is going in and has been going for a while? I don't need that shit. Not enough spoons to deal with it, honestly.

comments

monday.

Mon, 08 May 2023 07:39:35 GMT

While I've worked on this Omina-project, I've pretty much, with a few additions along the way, listened to the same music throughout. These songs have become completely ingrained in my writing process and in the very fabric of the universe I'm working in, like they can't properly be separated any longer. So I decided I wanted to share my musical journey for The Year of the Wolf with you and maybe give you some musical inspiration and if nothing else, a good story.

When I first started out, I asked on my Plurk if anyone had any recommendations for a character that was an Amazon, a warrior, a fighter - and especially songs that would show her strength and her courage. People weren't slow to respond and a repeated recommendation from various sides was Two Steps From Hell, a musical ensemble I'd never heard about before. But I checked out their stuff and a lot of it was so perfect. I ended up picking out Victory and Evergreen as, kinda, my two flagship musical numbers on the list.

From searching Greek myth playlists earlier, I had some of my own suggestions as well and added Perseus by Unknown Brain, Start A War by Klergy ft. Valerie Broussard and Midas by Skott. I also put in Soldier by Fleurie, because it seemed fitting.

Then, as I started writing and got further into the character and the universe with all its themes and repetitive patterns, I added My Love by Florence + the Machine and The Moment by Amy Stroup, the first which I already knew well and the second that I discovered by complete chance by clicking some song that was recommended to me by YouTube.

Finally, I discovered Warriors by 2WEI ft. Edda Hayes and it has the perfect mix of emotion and epic scope that I needed to complete my playlist. It feels like an honest soundtrack now, haha.

Anyway, I've included the whole playlist beneath the cut, should anyone be interested. Links to everything. Please enjoy!

( AMAZON, THE - a playlist )

comments

monday.

Mon, 27 Mar 2023 04:21:45 GMT

It's six in the morning, and I'm sitting with the blinds open, staring out onto a terrace that's pitch black because the sun hasn't begun to rise yet, thanks to spring clock change. We lost an hour last night and I'm feeling it into my very bones, completely exhausted (though, this is also due to a very busy weekend) and just needing a day off, so I'm taking one. It's Monday, Mondays are tough shit on their own and I'm calling it quits today. Tearing the day out of the calendar. Goodbye. I'll just focus on surviving, on finishing my Germaine fic, so I can get back to my Omina one soon, and relax, sleep, get back on my feet.

Yesterday was a marathon. The days when K. has a visit from her friend, M., who usually lives in Norway, always are. They hang out together from around 11 in the morning to 11 in the night and yesterday was mostly no different. While I took much more time to myself yesterday than I use to (still completely wiped from Saturday), there is a degree of socialisation to these days that's above and beyond what I normally do and I can feel it in my system today. Wow, can I feel it.

It's always very cozy, though. M. is an easy guest to entertain. We had lunch, some afternoon fandom talk (they're both Star Wars nerds), then they went for a walk and when they got back, they'd - or K. had, probably - decided to watch a ballet, for reasons I never quite got, but you don't have to say you're gonna watch a ballet twice to me, okay? I picked out The Lady of the Camellias which, despite its length of 3 hours, is still one of the ballets I've had the most success introducing people to the art form through. And M. did like it, too, though I don't think ballet will ever be her medium. But it was very nice and I enjoyed myself.

After this, I cooked dinner for us, we ate, we had food coma, it was half past eight in the evening, and we were all completely done for. Not long after that, M. went home, but we'll probably see her over Easter at some point. It'll be good. And I know it's good for K., to have her best friend home, so I'll rather take these days with everything they bring and then nurse the wounds on my energy reserves afterwards.

But, yeah, explains why today is completely lazy and low-energy. There's just nothing left to give.

And for once, I actually feel okay about that.

comments

monday.

Mon, 20 Mar 2023 20:54:57 GMT

Lovely, quiet evening only marred by a single trigger episode that my GF and I were fortunately able to solve through some back and forth talk. I love her so much, she's too good for this world. We don't deserve her, any of us.

I'm tired and will be heading to bed soon, but first I need to excitedly squee about the fact that in about 200 words, I'll be hitting the 40K mark on my fic and this is both exhilerating and terrifying, tbh.

I'm more than halfway through September now and we're slowly bleeding into the next major part of the story which I'm really excited about, but also a bit nervous, because it's the final stage of the Amazon's travels and I so want it to be good, fuck.

Also just as a process. I want the process to be the best it possibly can.

And I'm kinda still finding my way around that. Good thing there's a new day tomorrow.

comments

monday.

Mon, 20 Mar 2023 16:37:34 GMT

It's been a day.

Started out with breakfast celebrations of my birthday with my GF who'd really gone all-out decorating the kitchen, it was so nice and pink and sunrise-y. Tea and bread from the bakery half an hour's drive away and lit candles, it was so nice. I got a new hairclip for my hair, it's so sparkly and beautiful. I have another one that looks like it, but in a different colour and she'd noticed I use it a lot, so she'd bought another one to give me something to choose from. With it, she'd bought a pair of beautiful earrings that are so light and comfortable to wear, but also super cute and pretty, they look like little apples in a sort of brown kind of stone. I love them. From my parents, I'd gotten a translation of Sappho, because I'd bought it myself, LOL. From my in-laws, I got the whole Naples-series by Elena Ferrante which I'd put on my wish list because I'm gonna write something for the ballet, Napoli, on the other side of this monster of a fic. So it's research. But it also looks genuinely interesting. I haven't read a proper novel in a very long time, so I hope this is the place to start.

Then, the rest of the morning was kind of grey and glum and I slept a lot and felt listless and restless and unmotivated, which made me feel even sadder. I didn't write until later in the afternoon, because I took imoveritanddone's advice and just... stepped back from it a bit, went for a walk, did some roleplaying, things that made me feel reenergized and creative, but wasn't tied up on this project. It helped really quickly. I got better on the other side of noon and started writing a bit again from 3 o'clock and onwards and have been writing since. It all came back full-force. It was a nice discovery, that I don't have to be afraid of "losing" it if I'm not on it 100% all the time.

K. got home early from work and we had tea and cake in the kitchen, still all decorated with lit candles. Now, we've just relaxed in the late afternoon, preparing for dinner. We're having roast chicking legs in the oven which is lovely and easy and delicious.

Tonight, we're probably just gonna sit around, showing each other YouTube clips and then, doing our own things. I have reached my writing goal for today, but might write a few poems more now that I'm feeling it.

We'll see.

It's been a day. It's been a birthday.

comments

monday.

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 15:14:28 GMT

This is the music I write to, when I'm not running the playlist I shared some days ago.

In case anyone needed really relaxing, Ancient Greece-themed ambience. For some reason. I bring it.

comments

monday.

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 14:32:53 GMT

It's been a day.

I've been tired, wiped out, wrecked and boneless, but not without motivation and not without a desire to keep writing, so... better than it could have been and would have been, a year ago? I think so.

I managed to read through my May chapter and have now gotten started on the June one. It's all planned out with keywords and outline, plus I've made some important decisions about what is gonna happen later in the novel (I'm calling it a novel from here on out, it's 130+ pages long in Word, ok, and I'm only halfway through...), so it's pretty easy just sitting down and writing out what I've noted down beforehand.

Sprints in my writing group channel are also helping a lot.

Still ten poems short to reach my daily goal for today, but I have a whole evening and no other plans, so I'm hopeful. What I might not manage today, I can catch up on tomorrow; a bit less tired, hopefully, but just as much time to do what I like. I don't have plans until Wednesday, but then it's plans three days in a row, Wednesday-Thursday-Friday. Guess who's gonna be a mashed potato next weekend?

This girl.

I had a talk on the phone with my mom today and it went surprisingly well, considering how tired I was. It was a long talk (30 min) about all and nothing, but my mom was in a good place today in terms of remembering where I'm vulnerable and what's difficult for me. She changed the subject multiple times when she could feel I was tiring out and she didn't make a fuss when I said I was overloaded and needed to hang up. All in all, it was positive. It did take half an hour afterwards for me to really return to my body and myself again, but it was better than it has been for a while. I do look forward to seeing them for my birthday celebrations Friday, if nothing else then to get a feeling for how we are together, when we're on our own premises. Together.

My mom ended the conversation with telling me that she'd looked up Mendelssohn's Songs Without Words, because I'd squeed so much about it after the concert Saturday. That was sweet of her.

Of practical stuff I've done today, I've changed the linen on our bed and got the shopping from the store up the hill. It's a legitimate storm out there, wind-wise.

Today also marks my exit from the public RP scene. I've decided I need a break from doing memes and such, because having to be available all the time stresses me out, and I'd really rather focus on my own writing right now. I'll still be available for private musebox things and PSLs, but nothing overly demanding and my pace will be slow. I was nervous about telling my circle on Plurk, because we're almost all there for the RP'ing and I thought I'd lose some friends, but all my most important people have checked in and given me the ok, they'll stick around. That makes me extremely happy.

Internet friendships can be fickle things.

So this means more time to write and to get this mastodont done! Hooray!

comments

monday.

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 21:00:08 GMT

Last one for today, promise...

Ok, writing update.

Current word count: 12.612/50.000~
Current month count: 3/12
Current poem count: 90/365
__________

Today was a good day, writing-wise. I got up early, went to the library and worked hard between 9 and half past twelve. Survived therapy, went right home and wrote the remaining 9 poems for March that I was still missing. Only stopped writing some 45 minutes ago, now.

The big question is how I'm gonna feel about what I've written when I look it over tomorrow, but quite literally, that's a problem for another day. A day like tomorrow. I'm so drained and tired right now, nothing truly makes sense to me except the notion of sleep, soon.

I have tomorrow off, in terms of plans, so I'll just be home all day and get my planning for April ready and maybe, if that doesn't take too long, I'll get started on April, too. If I can get April done in two days, like I did March, I'm gonna be very satisfied.

So far, this is the smoothest kind of writing process I've had outside RP venues since... ever, pretty much. I'm both surprised and really happy. It feels great.

comments

monday.

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 10:44:46 GMT

Just interrupting your day (or night) with this little piece of Danish culture canon.

A. Bournonville's "A Folk Tale" which is the story of Hilda, born a human but switched for a troll when she was a child and now living with the trolls underground. Lots of fun arising from that.

SPOILER: it has a happy ending, because it's Danish romanticism and we believed in tales that inspired hope.

Also, absolutely beautiful costuming and stage scenery, probably the prettiest ballet adaption Hübbe ever made.

It's good entertainment. Very atmospheric.

comments

monday.

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 10:12:03 GMT

Usually Mondays are the worst, right? My worst days are always Mondays. Hell, my birthday this year's on a Monday which isn't very promising, but we'll see.

Because today I decided to make this Monday good, every measure I could take, I'd take. I have a therapist appointment later today and decided to go to the library and do my daily writing from there until I had to be at my therapist's.

It's going okay-ish. I have written stuff. I read what I wrote yesterday and was relatively pleased. It's not the best writing flow I've had ever, today, but it's got time yet to pick up its pace. I could imagine, past noon it might get better. I'm always slow on the uptake in the mornings.

I also want to look at my fanficfeedback community, but I've never really modded a community like this before, so I have to ask what people would like/expect to find in there of info and such? Right now I have a basic rules/info post pinned, but is there anything else I need to get out there before declaring the community open?

I definitely need to advertise for it some more, but not gonna do that until I've made it ready for people to start posting.

So, first things first.

comments

monday.

Mon, 27 Feb 2023 21:45:47 GMT

Evening. It's half past ten, I'll be going to bed within the next hour. It's Tuesday tomorrow.

For all the lofty ambitions and plans I had for today, I didn't get as much of it actually done as I'd hoped. I did go for a walk and it was wonderful, really grounding and surprisingly warm! I'd dressed up in scarf and gloves and such, because I thought it would be a cold trip, but halfway through I had to kindly unwrap not to die from the heat.

I got a prose poem written for one (1) day of January in my Omina project and while this isn't as impressive as I'd have liked, I had a spurt of both energy and inspiration this evening where I wrote notes and keywords for every single day in January, hopefully this will make it a bit easier to actually write the poems themselves. Dare I hope I'll get a bunch of poems written tomorrow?

I don't dare hope much at all these days, so I'm not optimistic, but then, at least, I can surprise myself positively.

I'm going to take a break from RP'ing (aside from my Star Wars storyline, still going strong). It's causing me more stress and frustration at the moment than it's giving me joy, so I have to cut it out for a little while. I hope this will give me more energy to focus on my writing projects of various kinds.

I really want to be an active writer again. More than anything, that's what I wanna work towards. On the way there, I want to start using the Danish NaNo Discord server more, because sprinting is a huge help for me in my writing process as well as talking to others about frustrations and successes.

Tomorrow, I hope I can go to the library and write. I've felt shut in in the apartment the past couple of days, so it would be nice going out. Not being afraid all the time. I hate my anxiety.

I'm also very tired and should just go to bed.

comments

monday.

Mon, 27 Feb 2023 09:15:12 GMT

The weather is beautiful today, a true bout of early spring sunshine. If I have no other ambitions for the day, going out for a walk might be the one thing. The one good thing I do for myself.

The one good thing besides all the tea that I'm drinking, because although it's sunny, it's also terribly chilly still. The floors are cold beneath my feet. By the windows, you can feel the cold beating in on you.

I got a decent head start on my Omina project yesterday, managing to write a prose poem for each day in the first week of January. I'm hoping to manage somewhat of the same today. The writing style comes easily to me and there's not much plot to keep track of, so I should be good, even if I'm tired and PMS'ing a bit.

I've made a playlist for this writing project that currently features some Two Steps From Hell, Gang of Youths (Achielles Come Down), Klergy ft. Valerie Broussard (Start A War) and Bastille (Pompeii), among others. I'm very reliant on listening to the right music when I write, and I can't write without any background noise at all, but this is one of the more relaxing playlists I've had in a while. I think it's the overall mood. Nothing too upbeat. It's very soothing.

Once I've had my pills, I'm going to go over what I wrote yesterday, just a quick round of editing, and then I'll probably work on the next leg from midday onwards with a walk thrown somewhere in between.

I must say, it's an interesting process, taking a poetry collection that's written in free verse and mostly resembles Sappho's fragments in style, translating that feeling and terminology to prose. It highlights very different parts of the universe within the poems, whether it's expanded upon in free verse or prose form. I can't replicate the hard-edged beauty of Aidt's and Moestrup's original completely in prose, but instead I get to create my completely own format that can do something else entirely. It's fascinating. I'm really enjoying it.

Meanwhile, I'm making preparations for another Be the First project (and also, Fannish Fifty-relevant), in case I end up not being able to finish this Omina thing in time (yes, despite everything, I'm generally a realist). We're talking a vignette about the character Giovanina from the Bournonville/Hübbe ballet, Napoli from 2009. I always figured I'd end up writing about something Bournonville first for Fannish Fifty, just thought it'd be La Sylphide... But La Sylphide already has fic on AO3, whereas Napoli does not, so I thought I'd give my Napoli girls a spin.

It does help that I've already written "fic" for Napoli in Danish - a couple of years ago, me and a friend self-published an anthology with writings inspired by Napoli and it was an enormous project (the book is between 400 and 500 pages long) and while I wouldn't call it fanfiction as much as original fiction inspired by the aesthetics and location of the ballet, it's definitely got similarities to what I'm working on now.

It means I'm revisiting the ballet (it's been released on DVD, should anyone be interested, it's very entertaining) and although it got some flack by the press in Denmark when it first premiered, I personally think it's one of the best things Hübbe has done as Artistic Director for the Royal Danish. It's beautiful, catchy, engaging and just overall nice to look at. I hope they keep it, once he leaves.

A couple of clips are available from it on YouTube, so I'm going to share. It fits the weather over Denmark today. Bright and cheerful.

Have a bright and sunny one, peeps. If not outside, then in.

comments

monday.

Mon, 19 Dec 2022 22:40:57 GMT

The never-ending saga of Takarazuka's war on YouTube uploads. Until a month or so ago, there was a fully subtitled full-length version of the 2016 Soragumi Elisabeth uploaded to YouTube that I used as reference for my roleplaying of Death. It has since been taken down again, as most videos with full-length Takarazuka things are, especially, but even just small clips can't stay uploaded for long. I could bemoan this at length and inside, I probably bemoan it a little bit, but I get the point. They want people to purchase.

I want them to make it easier to purchase outside Japan, though. Then, I'd purchase the Hell out of their storages.

Anyway, because Takarazuka fans are at heart as eager to share as anyone else, well, the 2016 Soragumi Elisabeth has gone up, full-length (though without subs, but the script can be found in full translation on TakaWiki), once more. Part 1 & part 2.

I love Elisabeth, I think it's one of Zuka's most accessible and easy-to-understand productions, with or without English subs. My first introduction to it was the 2005 Tsukigumi version which still to this date has the best "Milk" I've seen, plus the best Lucheni in a Japanese production. The 2002 Hanagumi version has the best Death/Elisabeth combo with Haruno Sumire and Ootori Rei in the leads. Soragumi's 2016 production is kind of a mix of all these good things, making it very enjoyable if not wholly up there with the best of the best. I enjoy Asaka Manato's Death a lot and she has a nice lower range, but isn't otherwise the best singer. I like Misaki Rion as Sisi, especially as she grows older and she's at her absolute finest in the second act, whereas her young Sisi is a bit shrill and childish (in an overexaggerated way, IMO). I think this version has some good stand-alone songs. With one of the best Franz Josephs I've seen, Franz's and Elisabeth's love duet in act 1 is actually one of the best bits in the entire show. Same goes for Rudolph's and Death's "Yami ga Hirogaru" in act 2, really lovely version of that song. So, I recommend this show to anyone who wants to be well entertained for a couple of hours and maybe to hum a few of the melodies for days afterwards. Watch it quickly, while it's still up, will be my advice. There's some lag in audio in the first part that gets worse as it goes along, but I found it not too distracting except in a few places. It looks fine in the second part.

Having rewatched this, though, I have totally got a plot bunny for another random cross-over pairing that I might or might not write at some point. Elisabeth/Lilith from Datenshi no Namida. If we AU Lilith about 40-50 years back in time, she would've been working the streets around the time when Elisabeth was travelling Europe to escape court and they could've met by chance in Paris, creating a scene reminiscent of the Windisch scene in the musical. Lilith manages to say something very profound and true, Elisabeth is moved and invites this sick girl to wherever she's staying while in town, probably a hotel, calling on her own doctors to give her the best treatment. They spend a few days together, telling each other their life stories, until Lilith is on the brink of death and Elisabeth calls on Jean Paul to come and see her, as her final farewell gift to the girl. They say goodbye and Lilith dies.

It could be a moving story, I think. And, period-wise, it's much more in the general era that I'm familiar with (19th century).

On my way to bed soon, so I can be ready for tomorrow's hospital visit. Right now I'm listening to Arvo Pärt's Spiegel Im Spiegel which is a personal sort of Christmas hymn for me. It always soothes my system, and with how stressed I'm feeling currently, any calm I can collect is good, welcome, needed. Maybe, if I can collect my thoughts before my appointment tomorrow, I'm going to try and write the beginning of that Elisabeth/Lilith story. It would have to be a Christmas story, to follow Datenshi's timeline if not in decade, then in season.

Still, not getting my hopes up too much. If I know myself, I'll be fretting and unable to concentrate on anything until the meeting is over. So... Later this week, but hopefully before X-mas.

Goodnight, friends.

comments

monday.

Mon, 19 Dec 2022 11:33:59 GMT

I rewatched Marie Antoinette with Kirsten Dunst yesterday. I think, primarily, I was inspired by the horrible costumes from the Royal Danish Ballet's Manon that made me crave actual Rococo splendor. The whole set and costume act of that movie is beyond this world. I really enjoyed it, too, upon rewatch. I can't speak for historical accuracy, I've not studied the 18th century enough by far to make any wise comments about it, but I did love Dunst's ability to show the growth of Marie Antoinette from young girl to decadent queen, spanning in age from 14 to early thirties, I think? That is wild acting. As well as her ability to portray Marie Antoinette as just a teenager, a real human being behind all the myth and legend about her. For that reason, the first half of the movie worked the best for me, I think. I don't think the second half was bad, but it was very fragmented and a lot of things were only hinted at that might have created more cohesiveness if they'd delved into it a bit more. With success, the story could've just focused on Marie Antoinette's younger years and somehow wrapped it up like that.

Though, of course, any story about that particular queen will always lack something, if the end isn't part of it.

As I sat watching it and followed Marie Antoinette's and Louis' fumbling attempts at a sex life (which, by the way, were kinda adorable and I may ship Marie Antoinette and her husband more than anyone else in this movie), a fic idea occurred to me. If you AU'ed Manon a few decades forward in time, I could totally imagine one of Marie Antoinette's stupid friends advising her to seek help from a harlot to learn about seduction and Marie Antoinette, hating du Barry so much, refusing unless they could find her a saint in those places. So, someone hears about Manon through the grapevine, gets her shipped off to Versailles to teach Marie Antoinette about the art of seduction, but the one Manon ends up seducing is the dauphine of France. Manon would get addicted to all the splendor and the woman who could give it to her. I feel there's a story here to be written.

Maybe that'll be my Christmas project. Crazy cross-overs were always my favourite thing.

I have no real plans for today. Tomorrow, I've got a hospital appointment where the doctors at psychiatric are going to decide whether they'll offer me help with my meds, just going over my list and keeping an eye on what might be effective and what might not be, as far as I'm concerned, but there might not be resources in the public sector to do stuff like that anymore, so we'll see. I'm bringing my girlfriend so she can help me get the right things communicated. I always find these situations when I actively have to ask for help extremely anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable.

Wednesday, my social worker is coming, last time before New Year's, and since I'm out of my flu slump, it should be possible this time around. If nothing else, we need to schedule new appointments for January.

Finally, on Thursday, K's first day off work for X-mas, I'm meeting up with my friend, S., to exchange X-mas presents and just wish her well for the New Year, before all the holiday nonsense really kicks off.

( Some holiday plans... )

comments