november 7th (late).

[sunfright]

The same thing happens at every party in Paris. There are drinks, there is dance, and there are dark corners in which one can do dark deeds. I watch the same people who would desecrate the purity of that little country house in Bougival fit into the city as seamlessly as the dirty water running through the Seine. She, however, fits in nowhere that isn’t in the palm of my hand. Next to the duke, she looks like grinding gears never finding their bearing. He cares for her, but what use is it when caring is beyond her now?

And I? Well, I do not care. What I do is possess and polish. She sparkles when I am done with her, she shines and more importantly, she goes beyond herself. I know more of pride than of humility, and all my pride is in her.

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There was another word crawl in the Danish NaNoWriMo server yesterday and it was very rewarding. I really got into a flow, and wrote some of the day’s best (and most) words while it ran. Even if I had to stop two sprints before the end of it, I still managed to produce at least two pages of writing, and I got over a very irritating hurdle I’d been struggling with all day, so I’ll say it was effective.

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WRITING progress

I managed over 2000 words again yesterday, so apparently that’s actually a thing I can manage more than one day in a row. Who knew??

I had a visit from my social worker in the morning that kinda ate at my inspiration all morning, but once I got started on the day proper over noon, I really got started. Word crawl was the crowning gem later.

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WRITING thoughts

Yesterday was a weird one, really. I can’t in any way say it was a bad writing day, because I produced a lot of words and got over a bump that had held me back, too. But I wasn’t feeling quite in my A game or really, even just in my right mind. I was scattered, insecure and questioned every little choice I had to make for the text until later in the evening. So although I kept producing, it didn’t feel as smooth or as easy or even as comfortable as it has the previous days.

Reading over my stuff from yesterday, I was relatively pleased, though I think the first scene of chapter 3 will probably have to be reworked some once first draft is done. I haven’t read it since finishing it, but I’m guessing it’s the same with all of chapter 1. With chapter 2, I was in a fucking zone, man, so maybe not as much? IDK.

Right now I’m working on my second to last scene in chapter 3 and it’s definitely going slower than anything I wrote in chapter 2. I have to work through that mentally. Since it makes me nervous. I get really performance anxious as soon as I feel I meet some kind of wall. Unsure whether I can keep writing/producing etc. What if, what if, what if.

Does anyone else get like that?