friday.

[sunfright]

POEM by Anyte

Come stranger, come beneath this elm
Where breezes soft caress;
And let the green of whispering leaves
Assauge your weariness.
Drink to your fill of my cool fount,
So fresh to wayworn feet,
And in the pleasure of my shade
Forget the burning heat.

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THE ARENA - LINDSEY STIRLING

Having watched my fair share of TwoSetViolin, I know Lindsey is a bit of a joke in the classical violin community and I'm sure you can't play that clean while doing awesome dancing, but cut her some slack, she obviously played that track when recording it and you get AWESOME DANCING. Seriously. I don't care, it's banger music, that's good enough for me.

With that rant over with, here's my favourite track of hers. I love the video almost as much as the song, but it's just really super dramatic and intense. Could be film music, really - or some other kind of visual media. An intense build-up and battle scene or something...

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WHAT'S GOING ON IN RL
I have 'important meeting hangovers' today.

K. and I went to the meeting yesterday and it lasted, like, twenty minutes tops, but it was so intense and so climatic. My social worker and my mentor both agreed with me that it can't continue like this and will start the process of getting me on disability. That's the outcome. That's good. While it isn't certain I'll get it the firt time around, a lot of people have to fight for this for years, at least we're focused on the same horizon now. I'm happy about that. I'm happy about being on the same page as them, maybe for the first time since I entered the support system ten years ago.

But a part of me also just wants to scream.

My functionality hasn't changed markedly for pretty much all the time I've been in this system. If they think I need disability now, why not when we started? I know, I know, they need to exhaust every other option there is, because it's cheaper, but my health has deteriorated drastically the past five years and maybe, just maybe that could've been avoided with more focused action? I'm just wondering.

So I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I'm looking at a very long process of getting this to the end goal. All of that is making me tired to the bone, into my fucking marrow, and today... well, maybe it's not so much a hangover as a trauma response.

I've just been taken out of a war I've fought for ten years without even fully realizing it. And now everything is quiet and my stress levels can't keep up with it, with the sense of being out of the blaze but not truly.

My social worker said we'd probably have a final decision come fall. Until then, I just have to... keep up, fight on and not die.